My Horoscope Says I Have a Boyfriend!: A Lesson on Trusting Online Databases, etc.

Years ago, on my Yahoo! account, I signed up for this horoscope from whatever website that was that sends out horoscopes to Yahoo!. I did it because there was a stretch of time where those automated responses were spot on to what was going on in my life. “OMG!” I thought, “How does a computer know this? It’s almost stalker-like.” So I set it up as a permanent module on my email page thing.

Now, every single horoscope I’ve gotten for the past month or two continues to bring up some invisible “significant other” or my “peeps” or my “people” or my “friends”. I think to myself, “I don’t have any of that. Where is this coming from?” That’s when I started wondering, as if I wasn’t wondering before, are these things really trustworthy? Not to diss the art of horoscope-ing or anything but, this information is coming from the stars or whatever, and no two people are alike, so how is this supposedly coming up with information just for me? It was fun when the information vaguely described what was actually going on in my life, but now it’s just depressing. I don’t have a boyfriend, but Yahoo! Horoscope keeps insisting that I do. It also keeps insisting that I have a job, and again “people”. Yo no comprende.

Today, shortly after starting this blog post, I got a random email from a schoolmate, whom I still don’t think qualifies as “friend” just yet, telling me that she went online and diagnosed herself as having avoidant personality disorder.

Our conversation goes as follows:

HER: I just realized I have a personality disorder!
ME: What do you mean you have a personality disorder?

HER: I diagnosed myself online after watching sybil [made for TV movie in 1970s starring Sally Field] and I don't have multiple personalities but I have avoidant personality disorder! It sounds just like me. So now I have to force myself to do some cognitive behavioral therapy.

ME: What is avoidant personality disorder? And what website did you diagnose yourself with?

HER: Here's the website.
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
And it's hard to explain but you'll see on there.

(I go on the website and take the test.)

ME: That test says I have every disease on the list. We're nuts. Or as they say on Degrassi: Cuckoo Bananas!

HER: I know but I looked into it more and I have pretty much every symptom. Thats what I get for having my parents and family shelter me so much when I was younger. So now that I know what's wrong I need to just go out and be more social and outgoing.

ME: I just read the avoidance one, and I have all the symptoms, too. We should form a support group. I don't want to be a Loony Toon!

HER: yep let's do it!

ME: When?

HER: i don't know. all i know is i'm not seeing a therapist it's pointless.

ME: Agreed.

Conversation ended. I’m not quite sure what was realized in this conversation, and my taking of the “Are You a Psycho?” Test, but the lesson is either, we’re both nuts, or ONLINE TESTS ARE NOT RELIABLE RESOURCES. I mean, that’s why English teachers never allow you to cite Wikipedia as it’s not a valid resource, anybody can edit that information. I could go on there and say that Bono freed the slaves in 1863.

You never know who could be posting this information. It could be a doctor, just as it could easily be some psychotic, sadistic madman whose only joy in life is in making others feel as if they’ve lost their minds. But some could argue that those are doctors as well.

Anyway, there’s a lot of work I have to do if I’m going to overcome my paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, antisocial, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic, avoidant, dependent, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders, so I best get started now.

My question por vous is: Have you ever taken an online test and were insulted/devalued/enlightened/made to feel like a Loony Toon by the result? Leave a comment or something. I must go find a therapist.